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| Soooooo..... ladies and gentlemen. 'Tis that time of year again. FALL. While I sit here freezing my ass off (yea, I'm from Chicago where the weather is crap) I find myself contemplating my place in life. I'm still out of school despite the fact that I am enrolled in college... Still working at the same shitty dead end job.... Still dating the same adorable ass hole... And STILL suffering from the same disease.
I am well aware of the fact that my presence on xanga has been minimal, at best. I think a part of me was trying to convince myself that I am capable of overcoming this... this, i am trying to find the right descriptive noun... PLAGUE on my own.
I have put on some weight since I last posted ages ago. Currently I weigh in at a healthier 95 lbs (I just went to the doctor a few days ago so I am positive about my weight). I must say, though, that I dread my doctors appointments for the scrutiny they inspire... especially when you're with your parents.
For me, the inevitable weighing in is especially uncomfortable (as I am sure it is for most of you). I am well aware of the eyes of my parents on my back when I step on the scale; and that sharp intake of breath doesn't go unnoticed by my ears, as the doctor finally determines my weight. And for the finale, the doctor always insists the parents leave the room so he can discuss something "personal" with you. "I see you were hospitalized about 5 years ago for an eating disorder. Are you still struggling with any issues?" It's all complete BS. He might as well just ask, "So, uh, how's that anorexia thing going?"Sometimes I feel like screaming... LOOK AT THE SCALE FOR CHRIST SAKE!! I'M HUGE COMPARED TO WHAT I WAS!!!
I guess that visit to the doctor's office prompted a bit of a revelation for me. All this time I spent away from xanga, I was in denial. I thought I could dig myself out of this chasm I have created with my life. Of course, now I realize digging only makes my problems worse and turns my chasm into the God damn Grand Canyon. I thought by putting on 6 lbs my life would be better but it isn't. I am still disgusted by my body, but, not only that, I am becoming disgusted by my looks as well.
I have changed for the worse. I used to be quite pretty, a lot of people have even used gorgeous as a means of describing me (GOD now I sound like an ego-maniac as well as a psycho). But now when I look in the mirror all I see are sallow, dead eyes, hollow cheek bones, a pale and flaxen demeanor, and thinning wisps of hair. I look and feel like the ghost of the person I once was.
I have no room or energy in my body to feel any love for myself. I am repulsive. I wish there was someway I could undo all the damage I have done but I am too far gone.
Well, I hate to end on such a negative note, but my boyfriend is stirring next to me and will be awake soon. Needless to say, this blog is my little secret.
Until next time... should i persevere.
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| wow. it has literally been such a long time since i have last logged onto my xanga that i forgot my username and password. i feel like such an ass. i have been working almost every day since i started. all of this hard work and pressure is really beginning to take a toll on my psyche.
regardless, i must push on. i feel alright today. i have not weighed myself in such a long time, which is actually quite shocking, when i think about it now.
everyone at work keeps telling me how skinny i am... probably because these size 5 pants that my sister gave me are literally falling off my ass everyday. i cannot possibly even fathom what she was thinking giving me those pants. i am skinnier than she is! i even tried to borrow one of her belts but it was so big i had to cut an extra hole... so now i look like some jackass with a belt wrapped around me twice.... not the most comfortable or efficient uniform, i must say. but, whatever, the compliments make me happy. maybe thats why i have not stepped foot on the scale... i must have felt so at peace with my body these past couple of days. either that or my never-ending work schedule is just consuming all of my time and energy leaving me a zombie that simply crashes out when i get home at the end of the night. i, personally, think its the latter.
i have not been able to eat much at all because of all my work. i make it a habit not to eat where i work. but i must admit, i get some sadistic satisfaction watching others gorge themselves on food while i starve and remain thin and petite. because thats all any girl in the world wants to be anyway, thin and petite.... like audrey hepburn. aaaah, audrey... i think i am going to put on one of her films after i make this entry final.
i do have to post one bit of bad news before i go off to lala land. my mom is getting all concerned about my weight and anemia. for some odd reason she now thinks i have cancer. i swear to God she has that Munchausen disease. she always has to come up with the worst case scenario in terms of my health. i feel like screaming at her, "I JUST FUCKING HATE FOOD!" but daughters cannot speak to their mothers that way... especially not potentially terminal ones.
so she's been dragging me to all sorts of doctors where i get tons of blood work done and they tell me the same shit they always do, "blah blah blah... severely anemic and underweight... blah blah blah... does she see a psychiatrist... blah blah blah." i cannot stand that mundane routine anymore. and furthermore, YES I DO see a psychiatrist, but that shit does not help at all. it simply adds to the monotony of the mundane schedule that has become my life... or should i just say my hell??? that sounds more appropriate.
well, i better go. i am upsetting myself with all this doctor talk/type. time to take a short break from reality and enjoy my favorite film of all time... breakfast at tiffanys, of course.
ciao, my darlings. stay strong!
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| my mom just had two heart attacks and was diagnosed with a congenital heart failure. i really think she's dying.... and it breaks my heart.
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| so the party last night was interesting, to say the least. the bf got completely hammered.... like, disgustingly inebriated, if you catch my drift. i apologize for not posting sooner, but, i, myself, was quite intoxicated at that point as well. so, loooong story short: i have a mere 3 captain and cokes (most of which were finished by my bf) while he drank the rest of the entire bottle. now, i am not that big of a girl so those 3 drinks had quite the tipsy effect on my body. my boyfriend, on the other hand, i cannot imagine the hell he went through. aah, captain and coke. what a deceitful drink you are. you don't feel like you are getting too drunk because it doesn't taste very alcoholic, however do not doubt the effects of this highly inebriating drink. tis a vile, vile poison.
well, i'm not feeling too hot right now. i think i am going to lie down.
sorry, i felt i should clarify this post. right now i'm in a very relaxed state due to the miracle that is pharmaceutical prescriptions. i was feeling kinda shitty and hung over from the night before so i popped some colonopin to chill me out. needless to say, i am more than just at ease... i am in a completely peaceful state; free from all of my choleric, disinclined, self-loathing thoughts, and, let me tell you... it feels good.
it's almost a completely different world, this drug. one where i don't really give a shit what i look like or what i am eating or, more importantly, what i am not eating. this drug could be considered the quintessence of tranquility and repose and, were it not so addicting, i would reccomend it to all!
i simply cannot explain it nor it's effects. however, to begin with, i find my mind free from the ever-voracious thoughts about food. i heard somewhere that this drug would make you fat, but for me, it seems to have quite the opposite effect. i find myself content with my starvation and my depression, at last! what more could a girl ask for?
again, i must reiterate this point.... this drug is not for all and has highly addictive properties as a benzo-diazapene... an addiction that could ultimately result in death. have no fear, though, despite my incredibly addictive personality i refuse to let myself get hooked on this shit. it's fun for every once in a while or when i am having a legitimate panic attack, but other than that it's not really my thing. i am an uppers type of girl.
well, i think i am going to take a long over-due nap. i have work tomorrow and i really, really don't want to go. real quick funny story: i literally started crying for my first day of work. i just felt over-whelmed by it all. i never imagined myself in this position. 20 years old, out of college, working two jobs just to live. but whatever, my boyfriend called me a pussy and to get over it and over it i shall get. hopefully tomorrow will be less dramatic.
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| sorry i haven't posted lately. i have been, literally, working my fucking ass off. i have the shittiest and hardest job in the mother fucker because i am new... it's completely retarded, and i don't usually throw that word out there, mind you. so, i apologize but i can't even make this a long post. i have a end of summer beach party to attend. but i will post all the details afterwards. current weight: 89.7.... i hate weighing in the 80's. i just think it's tacky. 90 is fine and 70 is alright, i suppose. but 80's makes it suond so retro. yea, maybe i'm just a weirdo.... anyways, until later........... xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo muchas besas | | |
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